While you and Taylor are upstairs ridiculing me and talking shit behind my back, I figure I might as well write what I want to say, that way you and Taylor can't interrupt me to giggle with each other.
All this weekend you have been randomly screaming at me, and I don't know why because yesterday I washed dishes, dried and put them away, I dusted and wiped down the tables, I washed counters and the stove, and picked up all of Brandon's controllers and games. Not to mention I tidied the bathroom, and did not speak to you at all, especially not yelling, swearing, insulting, rudely looking at you. Which leads me to believe that you were showing off for him, just like Brandon.
Why I get to be the butt of every joke, the middle of every insult, and picked on for 3 days, FOR NO REASON AT ALL.. I don't know, but I'm sick of it. You and Taylor seem to think you're both so hard done to. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I thought we'd (me and you) would get along with Taylor here. I'm trying to interact positively with you more often, but you just look at me with disgust and humiliate me in front of Taylor who then picks up where you left off and makes you happy by butting in and talking down to me like he has any clue how it is for us. How dare he "grace us with his presence" and then spend all weekend trying to "fix" us. He's such a know-it-all little prick. He has said before that he hates coming here and you know it, so you spend the weekend, the little time you see him during the year treating him like a prince, and stepping on everyone else to do so. He even talks down to you and you sit there and let him!!!!!!!!!!!! He straight out tells you what a shit player you are in WoW and you fucking thank him for it. Why do you kiss his ass so much!?
I try to befriend him, I have such low self-esteem, I don't even feel worthy of Taylor, of my own brother’s approval, and he comes here and makes me feel worse. Why do I deserve that?? Why do you two need to make me feel even worse about myself, I have no self-esteem, and you two seem to think it's a game of who can make the other laugh more by insulting me.
I don’t know what I did to Taylor in the past to make him feel like I’m such a horrible human being, but apparently I have to pay for it for the rest of my life, because every time he’s around, he acts defensive, like he needs to prove something to me. He refutes EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth, even if it’s not directed at him. It’s not like I talk to him as if I’m smarter than him, so why does he have to act like everything I say is wrong??
Not to mention Taylor thinks he knows Brandon better than I do, and that he knows anything about kids Brandon's age. He spent the weekend telling Brandon he was a fatass and made him work out, like actually sweat, and belittled him every time he tried to eat something, but when I put him in the corner, and even apologize for it, I'M BEING THE MEAN ONE.. How the hell does that work?!?!1
I love you both, because you're my family, but goddamn it I hate you two, when you’re together.
Now what I have to say to you about us.
First of all, I was right in punishing Brandon. I may have been the one who instigated it, but I didn't punish him "for not playing with me". I punished him for using his nails to scratch up my face, instead of telling me he didn't want to play. He was sitting on my lap trying to reach the blanket, and I was trying to put it over him and snuggle. Eventually he got sick of it (this is over the course of about 60 seconds of struggle, by the way) and got off my lap and dug his nails into my face!! HE WAS OFF OF MY LAP WHEN HE DID THIS. He did not do it to get free. THAT is why I punished him, in addition to the fact that I've been hurt for trying to hug him, talk to him, and joke with him, FOUR other times in the past 2 days. He is doing it to show off to Taylor, and I will not put up with that shit. You may treat me like dirt, but I am not taking that crap from an 8 year old.
The next thing I want to address, considering you never gave me a chance to explain and apologize, you just screamed at me and then proceeded to cry, was the shopping bill. I was sorry that I spent that much that day. I didn't do it on purpose, and I had 7 meals written down on that paper, which we ate, except for the peppers, because I accidentally put all of the ground beef in the lasagna, instead of remembering to save some for stuffed peppers. I tend to rush sometimes when I'm in shit tons of pain and have to either clean the kitchen and cook supper all by myself, or food shop. I am getting better (not that you give a shit about whether I'm in pain or not, even though you claim you're a "nurturing type, and that's why you became a nurse" (I personally don't have any memories even as a child of you comforting me.) but I am still in a LOT of pain, back aches, burning sensation on my skin from the nerve damage, and shooting nerve pain. So I tend to rush through these things and make mistakes. I was sorry at the time for spending so much money, but now all I can say is, if you want something done right, do it yourself.
Contrary to your belief, I am EXTREMELY grateful for you letting Wayne and I live here, even when all you get from us is his 250-270? dollar rent. I wish I could give you more for letting me stay, but I can't right now. NOT TO MENTION YOU JUST STOLE $1,300 FROM ME!! AND KEPT THE $500 I LENT YOU, 2 YEARS AGO. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT??!!?!??!
I hoped over these past few months to make up for being broken and not being able to help out by cleaning, by making sure Brandon was doing well in school and nurturing his reading skills by teaching him to love reading. I'm being honest and you know it when I say that you have not picked one book out for him in the last half year, and I'm pretty sure you haven't seen his homework pages since the beginning of the year. Do YOU know what he's learning about in school right now?? Do YOU know what subjects he's doing well in, or not doing so well?? I doubt it.
And this is why I am getting fed up with being yelled at, and insulted. I can be pretty damn lazy. I know that. But since getting better, (and if you loved me at all anymore, you'd admit) I've been doing a pretty damn good job of keeping the house tidy, doing the dishes and all that, considering all the pain I'm in. I've been getting up almost every day since Wayne's hours changed about a month ago, at 9ish and staying up all day, cleaning after you leave for work, making Brandon an afternoon snack, and then making dinner in the evening. I spend ALL day picking up after Brandon.
Because I'm
not allowed to discipline him at all. Lest I get screamed at for hurting your little golden child's feelings.
Well guess what? HE LEARNED TO LEAVE HIS STUFF ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE OF YOU! You frequently leave your jackets and shoes near the kitchen table or draped over the loveseat, you leave trash, cigarette ashes, and coffee cups all over your computer desk, and your bedroom?!! IS GROWING MUSHROOMS. The rest of the floor you can't even see. So don't you dare go blaming his faults on me ever again. His temper tantrums?? You. His mood swings? You. You love blaming everything that goes wrong in this house on me, but you don't even try to keep things in order. For years you've been complaining that you deserve to do what you want, because you've been so hard done to. I'm fed up with it. I may owe you for living here, but I refuse to do EVERYTHING. What I mean is that I need you to give a little, and stop holding this grudge you have against me. I’m learning to let go of the anger I feel towards you so that we can get along.
I'm getting better, and I'm trying to get along with you and I'm trying to keep the house clean, and I am trying to pull some weight around here and prove to you that you're not getting shit on by letting Wayne and I stay here. But I need you to give me a chance to start over. I try to stay out of your way, I clean when you're not around, I worship Brandon because I love the hell out of that child, and I never punish him, because you don't want me to. And I've made an effort not to yell or swear back at you when you get in my face and scream at me.
After all of this, all you can say to me is that "I make your life a living hell" HOW? How exactly?? I stay holed up in my bedroom until you leave, I take care of your son, I do the food shopping, and put it all away, and cook the meals. The only thing I don't do, is make you coffee whenever you'd like it. But I let you treat Wayne like shit. Calling him up when he's already half way home to make him turn around and spend HIS money, the measly few dollars he has left to but you cream, coffee (hot in a cup, and ground in a bag, at the same time) and cigarettes. Or making him walk through the slush and snow and rain to home because you STILL haven't put him on the lease so he can have a damn parking sticker. He's even risked his car by driving you in to work a few times. Not to mention the times that he's brought Brandon to TKD. Taking your car to get oil changes, spending his days off looking through auto part stores to find your car a new battery, or going on coffee runs, back when you two had working vehicles in the parking lot.
Oh and that valentines present Brandon "made" for you, was all me. He put beads on string for the card and the bracelet, but I had to force him to do it the day before. I made the wax heart and assembled the card. I was trying to be nice. Oh well.
Basically what I'm saying is, I don't know how to make you happy, and I don't even want to anymore. I just want to stay here until Wayne and I can move out, and try to get along with you. You know there have been times I've tried to be friendly with you, and you always end up screaming at me and continuing to play WoW. (IF you can’t remember a time, for example, last week when I taught you how to use Facebook, and uploaded pics for you, picking out what I thought were the ones you'd like best.)
You think I:
Don't love you at all, and that I hate you completely.
That I don't see you as my mother at all, as if I've disowned you.
And that I actively do little things just to piss you off .. (Like not listing you as my mother on FB??? I have no fucking clue what you're talking about. I listed Dad as my father over a year ago, when I made my profile, not yesterday like you seem to think. You JUST joined; therefore I did not list you, because you didn’t have a profile. I do love you, you're my mother, and we may fight but I don't hate you.
I WANT you to act like a mother, I want to be loved by you, but it always feels like nothing I ever do is good enough for you. I am not exaggerating when I say, I can't remember a time that you were ever proud of me, or expressed your love for me. Maybe when we were talking on the phone a lot when you were in FL and I was in NH. That's the last, and only time I remember us being close. I can never make you happy; in fact, apparently just seeing me makes you want to physically hurt me. You don't seem to understand that the way our relationship is now, is a mutual thing. It took BOTH of us to get here, not just me.
I ONCE (not counting today) wrote about you on my FB and only family was able to view it, not including Aunty Carol or Chelsea. But at least it served to make you feel the way that I do when I hear you telling complete strangers (your guild) about me and how "terrible I am". It makes me feel like shit. Absolute shit that you would air our personal shit out to people you've known less than a year that live across the world.
Oh and by the way, unless you set privacy settings, Aunty Carol can come and look at your profile and see you wall, photos and info, whenever she likes.
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